Motherhood is a funny experience. Becoming a mother touches you and makes you come tete-a-tete with feelings you didn't know existed inside you.
There is a constant juggle between emotions, feelings, thoughts. A part of you misses the old life - work, home duties, chilled out weekends, a carefree life et all. Another side of you, well, that side will think of the little human always, about the baby's s needs, feeds, sleep and a zillion other things that are a part of the packaged deal.
I am sure what adds on to this contrasting life is the fact, that the maternity leave will soon come to an end and you will have to leave your little one with someone else. A caretaker, a creche, a guardian. In my case - it's my in-laws.
Having them to take care of my sweetheart is a blessing. On second thoughts, is it really a blessing?
Since the day I delivered my baby, I knew I had to go back to work. Judge me all you want, but I wasn't the kinds who was willing to sacrifice a job and independence for a kid. I was the kinds who was willing to juggle between the two lives.
Therefore, I would often leave my little one with my in-laws post my delivery. They would play with her, entertain her, pacify her, diaper change her and much more.
The more time they spent with her, the more they got attached to her. So much so, that if she cried, she was literally snatched from my arms. These times made me feel like an unworthy mother. They only time she was willingly given to me was for her feed and sleep. I couldn't play much with her as I was juggling between sleep, husband time and household duties.
Slowly, steadily, with time she has started understanding them and their presence around her. There are immense gratitude and respect that I have in my heart, but also a lot of questions haunt my mind - Will she forget me when I go back to work? Will she ever be able to love me? Will she think of me as a mother who left her?
The parenting styles of generations differ. They raised their son well, I am sure my daughter too would be raised beautifully. However, there are things, values, thoughts I would want her to inherit and imbibe. Will those ever get absorbed by her?
I don't have an answer to these questions. Maybe time will tell me. But for now, the feeling of sharing her is not too nice. Yes, it is a boon as I have help and security that my baby is in the safest hands but I also do have insecurities. The insecurity of losing my baby, of feeling like an outsider in her life.
There are times when the thought of leaving behind my career does occur to me. However, what does appear to me is how much of my life will still change, considering my in-laws do have an upper hand on taking care of her.
I do have close relatives, who are in a similar situation. The only saving grace here is that their kids are grown up and still love them. They still look up to their parents and wait for them and their time every single day.
These feelings of mine, the constant juggle between a career and my daughter make me a selfish mother, who wants the best of both worlds. But I do hope my daughter understands me and my struggle. I would just want her to be loved and happy, now and always.
Do let me know if you have faced something similar and the ways to cope up with it.
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